Five Days Until White Lake

Let the apprehension begin!

Seriously, all of a sudden on Saturday I started to feel apprehensive about the race next Saturday. Before, nothing. I don’t know why. I have felt and still feel confident in the training I have done. I will finish, unless I crash and break something, etc.  My brick was good and I tried to emulate race pace and came in at 17.5 mph for 33 miles, then ran a quick three miles at about 8:45 min/miles. I swam yesterday and in the beginning, it felt just like a race. Not that I was racing. Not that I was trying to go fast. Just that I during the first 1000 yds I felt tense and was hyperventilating some. Just like a race.

I am ready, physically, but even now, as I am writing, my pulse is overall elevated. My nerves are on edge. But WHY?

Is it a male thing? Or just a competitive thing? Is it just empty to say, “I’m going out to just finish, my time is secondary?” I am thinking it probably is. I do care about my time, and my speed. I will have fun, but at my core I think I want to go fast. If I can win, I want to. I dream about it, about getting up on the podium. I won’t, I am definitely a mid-pack age grouper, but as Nacho Libre asks, “don’t you wanna get a little taste of the glory….see what TASTES like…?” Yeah, I do.

I was doing a little spreadsheet on Saturday, trying to estimate my time based on my training, and I think I can break six hours. I would be very happy to do that, and maybe that is adding to my nervousness. It is a flat race, and I will be fully tapered and rested. But the area is notorious for winds, too, which doesn’t make for happy cycling.

Here’s a question: what would it do to me if I won, actually? I won’t, but if I had that much talent, would I be humble about it? A bragger? Make me more selfish? What if I don’t break six hours, will I be bummed out? How much of my self-confidence and self-esteem rests on triathlon and performance?

I have been trying to balance my life in such a way as it honors God, serving Him, spending time with my family, serving at church, doing my best at work (although I am blogging at work…hmmm…) and getting in my training. But these are questions I just feel compelled to ask them. Is it possible to race without being nervous? At some level, I think the nerves are autonomous, the “fight or flight” thing. But am I ready mentally?

Pinehurst was my last triathlon, last October 2009. One thing I got from that race was how mentally tough you have to be during a race. On the run, I wanted to walk, but I had to force myself to run. Time slows, your mind is aware of every painful second ticking, but you have to force your mind to let go, to disconnect from the body and just float to hopefully some happy memories or thoughts – into the Flow!

After writing this, and meditating some, it is boiling down to this:

Physically: I’m ready, let’s go!

Mentally: I need to be ready for the rough periods that will come.

Spiritually: I decided to look into the Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA), something I have been wanting to do for a while now. I found a link to the Endurance section, then saw a group on Facebook and found the following quote. It kind of hit me that this is how I want to be, just prepared for what God gives, whether fast or slow.

In my mind’s eye I had always pictured myself winning the marathon but as I prepared my heart before the race I had decided I would celebrate my run and the fact that God is good all the time in both victory and defeat so when I hit Boylston street I let my joy out and started airplaning through the street.” – Ryan Hall on the Boston Marathon.